Hunger hurts, starving works.

Oh dear, the 2 months on holiday have seriously fucked me up. I used to be able to eat so little and not get hungry, but I've already had half a cup of dry Just Right and I'm STARVING. What the hell!?!? Reading blogs to distract me from stuffing my face right now. 

Weighed myself earlier. 

134.5 pounds making my BMI 19.3

I want to lose so much more weight by the time school starts, cause otherwise I know exactly what people will be thinking - "Look how fat she's got over Summer"

Thank God Summer is nearly over though, no more bikinis for a year, no more having to act like I'm okay with being semi-naked in front of so many people thinking what a whale I am. 

Stay strong. 

X

Fuck my life

I have been without internet for 2 MONTHS. 2 BLOODY MONTHS. I was away on holiday, stuffing my face, having no willpower, and being unable to read everyone's blogs. 

I don't even know what to write. But thank God over the last 2 days I've been able to catch up with blogs or I don't know what I would be doing with myself. Somehow I'm 136lbs after 2 months of ZERO SELF-CONTROL, but that could be cause of all the exercise.

But now I'm back home for a few days, and ill so can't exercise. And going to California soon, great. Skinny girls and huge portions, wonderful way to make me feel bad. 

But this school year is gonna be so busy, so when I get back the one thing I can control is gonna be my food intake, and make myself less fucking fat. 

So glad to be back even though I was hardly a regular! 

And finally, something that popped into my head on my flight back from Italy, and I just repeated over and over and over to stop myself gorging....

"Eat less, weigh less, don't be such a fat mess"

Absolute failure.

Well, I think it would be an understatement to say how badly I fucked up yesterday. I was doing really well, had 1/4 cup of cereal for breakfast and then filled myself up with water. 

Then it was dinner. Its so, so hard living with my parents who force me to eat huge, fattening dinners. I had grilled chicken with potatoes and tomato and mozarella - eugh. 

I worked out in my room for ages afterwards, crunches, sit-ups etc but I still feel like I haven't done enough. 

So today I'm going to restrict, restrict, restrict as my parents will be out for dinner, leaving me something to heat up... what they don't know can't hurt them. 

Weighed myself this morning and surprisingly I'm down to 142 lbs! I'm wondering when this weekends weakness will catch up with me. 

Anyway, I might blog later (who knows if anyone is actually reading this).

X

So here it goes.

I'm just a girl who needs somewhere to get across her feelings. As much as I want to talk to my "friends" I can't.

I'm controlled by wanting to be thin. 

That is all there is to it. I'm not trying to tell people to be anorexic, believe me it is hell. I just want to try and create a place where people can come together. 

X